I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
