This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
