Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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