I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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