you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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