sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
