Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
