Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
