I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
