Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
