im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
whose parrot is this?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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