This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
