he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
how drunk are you?
Several
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
