totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
