After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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