i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
