I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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