but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
