If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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