Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
