Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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