True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
