Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
