Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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