Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
