Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
