i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
