it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
