Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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