sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
