i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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