At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
