FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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