Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
