I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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