he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
