now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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