The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It's blow job season.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
