ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
