I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
