My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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