My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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