I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
