Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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