Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
