there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
