You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
