Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Only a mothe r could love this liver
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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