Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
