I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm sobbing to NWA
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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