drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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