if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
